Umbridge – episode five

March 8, 2018

An everyday story of extraordinary country folk

The story so far:-

Young John Farmer arrives home from University to find that all is not well at Rookfield Farm.  Both the prize Boar, Quinton, and his Father, Loon E Farmer, are unwell and will not touch Old Bart’s Triple X Special Bitter.  In fact neither will eat nor drink anything except lemonade.  The cause has been identified by MAFF Scientists as being due to a rare virus known as Triple X Lemonade Disease.  The only known cure is to drink pints of shandy and then to slowly decrease the lemonade content.  John obtains a supply of Old Bart’s and Lemonade from the ‘Chick Inn’.  Unfortunately however, Quinton is shot by the Ministry of Agriculture under the Triple X Lemonade Eradication Scheme.

Now read on:-

It was a week later and John was leaning against a pen at a large market near the village of Umbridge.  He was surveying an enormous pig.  His rucksack stood on the ground by his feet.

     “Yoo Hoo, John!”  The cry came from behind him and he turned.  It was Grace Ourchurch, the fifteen stone vicar’s daughter.  She strode up to him.  “Hello, John,” she said.  “I heard about Quinton.  I’m very sorry.”

     “Yes,” replied John, “it was very sad.  Mother was very upset.  What are you doing here?”

     “Oh just looking.  I like animals.  What are you doing here?”

     “I’m thinking of buying a new pig to place Quinton,” he replied.  “In fact that one there looks a likely specimen.”

     “It’s certainly a fine pig,” agreed Grace.

     “However, I must make sure first,” said John.  He stooped, opened his rucksack and took out a bottle of lemonade.  He opened the bottle, leaned over the pen and offered the contents to the pig.  The animal gave a shriek and rushed to the far end of the pen where it cowered in the corner.  John replaced the cap, opened the rucksack and replaced the bottle.  Next he took out a bottle of Old Bart’s Triple X Special Bitter, opened the bottle and again offered it to the pig.  This time the animal gave a grunt of pleasure, rushed over and began drinking it avidly.

     “Good,” said John, “this pig certainly hasn’t got Triple X Lemonade Disease.”

     “Oh, John,” said Grace in admiration.  “You are clever.”

     “Yes, I know,” he agreed and added, “Oh, Grace, I do love to hear you say that.”

     “Well, you are clever, John.”

     “I know,” he said smugly.

     Later that day, John was returning to the pig-sty at Rookfield Farm and making his way towards the house when he saw his Father coming towards him across the yard.  He had a glass of shandy in his hand.

     “Father!” exclaimed John in surprise.  “You’re up!”

     “Aye, Lad,” replied Loon.  “Doctor says that wi’ any luck, I could be drinking lemon tops by next week.”

     “That’s good news,” said John and then added excitedly.  “Father, I’ve bought a new replacement for Quinton.”

     “‘Ave yer now.  “I’d best take a look at ‘im.”

     John followed his father to the pig-sty.  “Careful, don’t get too near we don’t want him catching anything.”

     Loon leaned over the wall of the sty and surveyed the pig with a professional eye.  Suddenly his face went bright red.  “You dim **** !!!!”  He exploded angrily.  “I thought you was to buy a boar.  That there’s a sow!”

     “What’s the difference, Father?” asked John.

Can it really be true that, despite a University education, John does not know the facts of life?  Will this affect his relationship with Grace?  Have we heard the last of Triple X Lemonade Disease?  Find out next month in the next exciting instalment of Umbridge.



Umbridge – episode two

February 15, 2018

An everyday story of extraordinary country folk

Episode Two

The story so far:-

Young John Farmer arrives home from University to find that all is not well at Rookfield Farm.  The prize boar Quinton, is unwell and will not touch its daily ration of Old Bart’s Triple X Special Bitter.  In fact, the pig will not eat or drink anything except lemonade.  Later that day, in the public bar of the ‘Chick Inn’, John is horrified to find that his father, Loon E Farmer, is unable to drink his pint of Old Bart’s beer and instead asks for a glass of lemonade.

Now read on:-

It was three days later and Jack Door, the landlord of ‘The Chick Inn’, was back behind the pumps when John Farmer entered the public bar carrying a large empty rucksack on his shoulder that he set down on the bar.

            “Good morning, Jack,” he said.  “Could I have four pints of Old Bart’s and four bottles of lemonade to take away please?”

            “Certainly, lad.  And ‘ow be things at Rookfield Farm?”

            “Oh, things are a lot better.  We’ve heard from the Lab and they’ve found out what’s wrong with Quinton.  Apparently what he’s got is caused by a very rare virus called Triple X Lemonade Disease.  Mr Marriot says that the only way to cure it is to drink pints of shandy and then to slowly decrease the lemonade content.”

            Jack scratched his head.  “Aye, they be clever people those scientists at that Lab.  And ‘ow’s yer Dad?”

            “Oh, he’s at home in bed.  Mother says that once we’ve cured Quinton we can then start treating Father.”

            Jack nodded in agreement.  “That be very wise.  It would be a shame to loose a fine hog like Quinton.  Is that beer and lemonade for ‘im?”

            “That’s right could you put it in the rucksack for me?”

            John left the pub with the laden rucksack on his back and started along the road towards Rookfield Farm.

            “John!”  The cry came from behind him and he turned.  It was Grace, the fifteen stone daughter of the Reverent Philip Ourchurch, on her new bicycle.  She rode up to him and stopped.  “Hello, John,” she said.  “I heard you were home.  I thought you didn’t recognise me.”  John stood and stared.  She smiled and said, “I was a little girl when you left home.  Now I’ve grown up.”

            John swallowed hard.  “You certainly look amazing, Grace,” he remarked.

            “Do you like my new bicycle?” she asked.

            “It looks very nice.”  He paused and seemed uncertain.  “Actually, Grace, I wonder if I dare ask you something?”

            “Certainly, John.  What is it?”

            “It’s rather embarrassing really.”

            “Go on, John,” said Grace.  “You can tell me.”

What does John want to ask Grace?  Is there romance in the air or does he simply want a go on her new bike?  Will Quinton and Loon survive the dreaded Triple X Lemonade Disease.  Find out in the next exciting installment of UMBRIDGE.

Umbridge – the birth of a literary career

February 8, 2018

In the early 1980s, I and a colleague started a workplace newsletter at the then MAFF Central Veterinary Laboratory where we both worked.  The CVL changed its name in the 1990s, MAFF has become part Defra and the CVL is now a UK Government Agency.  To fill the scant newsletter content and to assure readers that the newsletter would be published each month, I started a quiz and a regular comic serial.  The serial had a veterinary agriculture theme and was inspired by the long running BBC radio soap, The Archers.

The serial developed a cult following among some of its readers and some years later I published it on various writing websites under the penname of Jack Lindsey.  Later it inspired the publication of my first novel, Cogrill’s Mill.  Followers of my blog and those of you who have bought and enjoyed Cogrill’s Mill might like to read the work that inspired my first forays into publishing so I have posted Umbridge’s first episode below.  If it proves popular, I propose to post the remaining six future episodes each week over the next six weeks.

Keith Jahans

Umbridge – episode one

February 8, 2018

An everyday story of extraordinary country folk

It was a bright sunny day and the birds were singing.  Young John Farmer got off the bus at the gate to Rookfield Farm and made his way across the muck-filled yard, a suitecase in either hand.  Little did he know what lay in store for him.

            The farm-house door was opened by Mrs Stitis the daily-help.  “Why, Master John!” she exclaimed joyously.

            “Hello, Ma,” said John.  “I’m home from university.  Is Mother home?”

            “She be out back strangling the chickens.  Come in !”

            Meanwhile, down at the pig-sty, John’s father, Loon E Farmer, was examining his prize boar Quinton, with the local veterinary surgeon.  “It be like this, Mr Marriot,” he was saying, “‘E’s off ‘is food an’ won’t perform wi’ the gilts.  Not only that – ‘E won’t touch ‘is daily ration of Old Bart’s Special Bitter.  ‘E won’t drink nothing but lemonade.”

            “I don’t understand it,” said the vet scratching his head, “but I’ve taken a couple of samples and will send them off to MAFF.  If anyone knows what’s wrong they will!”

            “I s’pose it could be worse.  ‘E could be drinkin’ larger.”

Marriot left in his car, whistling the tune to ‘All Things Bright and Beautiful’, and Loon Farmer made his way to the farmhouse.  When he entered he was greeted by his wife and son.   “Look, Loon,” beamed his wife, “our John is home!”

            “Hello, Father.  I’ve got a first-class degree in Agriculture with distinction.  I can be a great help to you on the farm!”

            “Aye lad, tomorrow you can scrap the muck off the yard and then you can feed the pigs.  Come!  Let’s be down to the pub while your mother gets the dinner.”

            A little while later, Jack Door the landlord of the ‘Chick Inn’, was pouring both father and son two pints of Old Bart’s Tripple X Special Bitter.  Loon gripped one of the glasses in his hand, blew the froth off the top of the beer and took a sip.

            Suddenly, his face went white and his hand shook as he put the glass back down on the bar,

            “Are you all right, Father?” asked John with concern.

Loon could scarcely speak and when he did his voice was very faint.  “Jack,” he said, “could I have a glass of lemonade?”

            “My God!”  exclaimed Jack in horror.  “Loon!  What be wrong?”

Yes, what is wrong?  Will MAFF find the answer?  Does anyone realise the full significance of Ma Stitis on Rookfield Farm.  Find out next month in the next exciting episode of Umbridge!